I have't blogged for absolutely ages so this all feels a bit weird again!
But I just wanted to spill out how I'm feeling. So I thought why not? I am in a MUCH better place than I was a few months ago!
I had been feeling down- nothing extraordinary just what I guessed most teenagers felt like at some point- a bit miserable about things. I had a lot going on family wise and found it really hard to shut off from it. Then in January I came out of a relationship and whilst it wasn't a long term thing I was really happy in that relationship and it was my first real boyfriend so when it ended I felt like my whole world had fell apart. Obviously it hadn't but at the time it made me feel dreadful! So I plodded along, feeling like crap but still trying to pretend everything was ok.
Then I got admitted to hospital, you can see my post about that here, after which I sat my A-levels. Now I am one of them people that doesn't deal with exams well AT ALL. I hated them. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating properly and I was just so stressed. I got myself into a right state. Then I left college officially which meant I had nothing to fill my time. I'd lost my interest in blogging completely so I didn't even want to put my time into that. I spent my days applying for jobs to give me something to do, but it was useless- I couldn't get one anywhere, not even an interview. It was so frustrating and really began to get to me. This also meant I had no money whatsoever, so when all my friends were going on holiday, going shopping and going out I had to turn it down, which eventually meant they stopped inviting me out. I'd also just fell out with my best friend of 7 years so it really wasn't going well for me.
I had the stress of wondering about my exam results from May-August and had no job, no money and no friends, as well as the problem in my family which I had no-one to talk about. I was in the house all day. I wasn't getting dressed- I didn't see the point because I wasn't going out. I'd shower and put on fresh pjs and lie in bed all day. There was a time when I didn't leave the house for 10 days which for me was ridiculous. It then got into a circle- I didn't want to go out which then meant when I had to go out I was too anxious to do it. I was convinced people were going to be laughing or talking about me and they'd be able to tell how vulnerable I felt. I had nothing to do all day so all I'd do is eat. Biscuits, crisps, chocolate, cereal, icecream. ANYTHING. I've always been a bit over indulgent when it comes to food, but I always thought I could control it. But over these months was when my relationship with food changed completely.
I ate out of boredom. I ate because I'd had a 'bad' day. I ate because something relatively good had happened. I had an excuse for every takeaway, every McDonalds and every tub of icecream. Food was literally my only comfort. I have never felt so low in my life. I know people experience a lot worse, but for me this was the lowest I'd ever been. I hated myself. I hated my life and I thought it was the end of the world. I was teary. I would cry at the slightest thing, and I mean burst into uncontrolable tears for at least half an hour. I'd snap at everyone over nothing, I'd cry myself to sleep every night without fail. Like literally sob until I fell asleep- but I had no actual reason that I could point to. I was just crying because I was so low. I'd lie in bed from around 10pm trying to sleep and I wouldn't drop off until about 2/3. Then I'd be awake at 4/5 because I had so much going round my head. All this time I'd managed to keep all this from my family and friends. I hadn't told anyone how I felt and looking back this was the worst thing ever. I had all this stress on my shoulders and I thought it was normal- that's how everyone felt right? Everyone else managed ok without moaning about it?
One day I just bawled my eyes out to my mum hysterically for about an hour. Over nothing. It was then she realised just how bad I'd been feeling and why everyone had to walk on eggshells around me. So the next day I plucked up the courage to talk to a doctor. She tried to get to the bottom of why I was feeling the way I was but it was no use. There was no one thing. I hated being at home because that's where all my problems were (I'm not from a bad home it's just where all my problems came out because it's the only time I could essentially be myself) but I couldn't go outside the house. I felt so trapped with all these problems.
This picture was at my 18th birthday party when I should have been happiest- this was in May before everything really got on top of me. I was surrounded by my friends and family, in a nice dress with a party that had cost a lot of money to make me happy. I thought I'd love it. But I have never felt so fat, so ugly and so self-concious in all my life. I have around 5 photos with me in from that night because I felt disgusted at the way I looked. All I can see on these pictures is how fat I was and how slim and gorgeous all my friends looked in comparison. I am aware that I don't look big to everyone else- this is why no-one ever realised how I felt. Because I didn't look overly big. I knew what to wear so I didn't look as fat. But whilst everyone else saw someone just a bit chubby I saw someone who was repulsively fat. I hated it. I had a fat tummy, massive thighs, huge hips, a double chin and flappy arms. I wouldn't buy new things because I hated going into shops and picking up things that should have been my size but in reality were about 6 sizes smaller than the label said. Changing rooms with mirrors were a no go. I'd come out in tears. Jeans that wouldn't go past my knees, tops that nearly split at the seams over my gut. I hated it. I'd run in, pick up what I liked in a couple of sizes and take them home, try them on and take back which ones didn't fit-mainly all of them because I refused to buy bigger sizes- I didn't want the shame of buying a 'fat' size in front of slim shop assistants in case they laughed.
I dealt with my depression and once I got my a-level results and a place at university, things started to come together. I got a part time job which I absolutely love and I started to feel happier. But my eating habits carried on. I refused to deal with them because I thought everything was ok because I was happier. I just got bigger. In that picture I was at my biggest. I was 12 stone 5 and a size 14, 16 on the bottom. Bear in mind I am only 5ft1. People used to tell me I didn't look that big but that's because I knew what to wear, things that went in at the waist, leggings, long baggy tops to hide it. One day something changed and I decided I wanted to lose weight and change my food habits. So in September I signed up to Juice Plus. Juice Plus is a meal replacement shake that allows you to eat alongside it, gradually introducing more food so you don't pile all your weight back on when you start eating again. Its focus is on clean eating.
I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. I'm not going to say I've lost loads of weight on it. Because I haven't. Since September I've lost around 1 and a half stone. I say around because I don't weight myself regularly. I don't tend to lose the weight but more the inches. You don't buy a 10st5 pair of jeans do you? I have gone from a 16 bottom to a 14, 12 on a good day and a size 10/12 top. I still have a long way to go and I struggle a lot. I just can't help myself. It's a control thing. I know I choose what I can eat and nobody can stop me so I eat. There's been times when I've eaten as well as had a shake so double the calories! Not because I've been hungry, but because I feel like I need to eat this shit to feel better. If I've had a shit day I'll find a pack of biscuits. If I've done well in my coursework I'll order a big greasy pizza. I am addicted to food. But Juice Plus is slowly changing me. My attitudes to food are changing. I know if I eat a kebab I feel sluggish and shit, whereas if I have a Juice Plus smoothie I'll feel ready for what's gonna be thrown at me.
I guess I've written this post to kick myself up the backside. I sell Juice Plus to people, and it does work for me- I'm much healthier and slimmer but I'm not as good as I could be on it. I see my clients get amazing results and I want that. And I know if I set my mind to it, I can do it. So today I am restarting the Juice Plus programme and beginning my detox again for 10 days before I start my shakes. Here's to a slimmer me for the summer. I refuse to look at girls from behind my window envying the confidence they have to wear shorts and get their arms out. I want to feel like that myself! So this is my challenge. Wish me luck.
Only ever look back to see how far you've come
This is the difference between May and February. It doesn't look much but I can notice the difference, in myself physically and mentally. I am so much happier and healthier. When my relationship ended I was told "You're just not the person anyone could love" Well I'm learning to love myself and I won't stop until I'm head over heels.